Yesterday should have been a good day. Somehow, it went all wrong. Actually it wasn't “somehow”, I know what caused this feeling. I just want to reverse 30 hours and try it again.
I woke up grumpy and stayed grumpy almost the entire day. That was mistake number one. Rahul took a break from work to come get me and take me to Karuna's house. She had picked out some of her jewelry to let me borrow for the upcoming wedding as it didn't make sense for me to go out and buy my own for one day. Also, her tailor would be able to stitch the blouse for my saree and have it done by this weekend. It should have been a fun trip, but I was already in a grumpy mood. When Rahul came to pick me up, I saw he was too. Two grumpy people do not make for a fun day. I tried to inform him before we left Defence Colony that I wasn't feeling up to par, and he asked if we should cancel and reschedule. I wanted to just get it done and over so I said no but asked if we could stop to get coffee since that always seems to make me feel better back home. For some reason, I just wanted to cry and I could feel it boiling up inside me, like a geyser set to go off at any moment.
Mistake number two was not putting my foot down sooner rather than later, or not keeping my mouth completely shut about the coffee. The market was on the other side of where he wanted to go in Defence Colony, but it was a lot closer in terms of distance and time than trying to find one along the way. It wasn't until we got to Karuna's area of Delhi that I firmly requested that we stop for coffee before actually meeting Karuna. Since I was pretty adamant about it, Rahul searched and searched and we couldn't find a place that sold coffee. At that point I was willing to settle for chai but I didn't voice those sentiments (mistake three) and let him drive all over creation trying to find a coffee shop. I didn't think coffee wouldn't be that scarce but apparently it is in certain areas of Delhi. Rahul had located a shopping complex that he said might have coffee. Now at this point I was just frustrated beyond belief. I'm sure Rahul was too. So, we parked the car. He has long legs and I have short stubbins so I'm always two or three paces behind him. Usually it doesn't bother me and when it does, I ask him to slow down. Normally it's if we're in a larger market or it's late at night and I don't feel safe walking alone. Since we were in a hurry, I let him walk ahead. However, he turned around and (what I felt) barked at me to keep up to his walking at a million miles an hour. I lost it at that point.
Tears were slowly streaming down my face and I was trying my damnedest to keep it together. Whenever I cry, my eyes turn red like pot smoker's eyes and my nose becomes similar to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. For the sake of this trip, I had to hold it together. But it kept getting worse. No matter how hard I tried to not cry, the tears forced their way out.
He found a place which he said would have coffee, and wouldn't take “No let's just go” for an answer. I gave him money for the coffee and went to the bathroom to make sure my makeup wasn't smudged and try to compose myself in private. When I thought I did, he was standing there waiting for me, without the coffee. Apparently they didn't have coffee. He (again, what I felt) barked at me for the change he had given me so I could get my 50 Rupee note back. Then I lost it. I gave him the money and again went to the bathroom. I was beyond trying to hold it together then.
I'm not the type of person that likes to share my problems with others. I certainly don't like being the crazy person on display in public. Yesterday, I was that crazy person.
We left the store, he again was walking ahead and then his phone rang. He was so immersed in his conversation he didn't stop to make sure I was with him as he crossed the street which he normally does. People in India don't stop for you. You, as a pedestrian, have to stop for them. Since he was so far ahead, I had to make it myself and I walked up to the corner so I could see all traffic and cross it without feeling like I would be run over at any second. It took me a good 2 or so minutes to catch up to him. He was already in the car with it running and ready to leave. At that point I was too hysterical and asked him to just drop me off at the metro or take me home because I certainly was not in a position to see his friend. He refused, we got into an argument, which made me cry more (ie bawl my eyes out). He wanted to know why I didn't get coffee before he came to pick me up. Which, I would have if he wouldn't have called to say he was 5 minutes away but was really 30. It became a back-and-forth “You said” “Well, you did...” "You could have..." "I would have if..."
He drove to Karuna's house where she was waiting for us and he made me come in. I tried SO hard to not cry but the situation really wasn't helping. I always need a bit of time to calm down and collect myself. I can't turn my composure on and off like the flip of a light switch.
Problem number four was allowing issues to compound. Anyone that truly knows me, knows that I don't like asking for help, I really don't like receiving help, and I have this “thing” about needing to be my own self. I'm stubborn and not submissive at all, and it takes a lot to not be that way. I know Karuna was offering to help out of the kindness of her heart, but with my other issues, I really didn't want to be a part of figured out what to dress up with for the wedding. I wasn't paying attention to what she said half the time, so I was lost. Therefore I wasn't able to collectively collaborate with her like I should have. Instead, it felt like she was telling me what I should do/wear. That made me really not want to pay attention (me being stubborn). After I “broke down” and accepted the jewelry she offered to let me borrow, we went to the market a block from her house to find the tailor to stitch my blouse and shirts. While trying to discuss the blouse for my saree, it didn't seem like what I had envisioned was what she deemed appropriate and then I again became upset.
Why couldn't I get this done back at Defence Colony? At least then I could do it my way. I wanted it my way, not some body else's way. I don't want to be completely Indian, I want to just be me. I had still been on the verge of crying before so the tears (completely childish, I know) came out again. Instead of making a scene at the tailor, I tried to leave to again compose myself. I figured she had decided what I should/shouldn't wear so I didn't need to be there. However, you're never TRULY alone in India. Some little boy saw me crying and I think he kept asking me why I was upset/crying but he was speaking in Hindi so I dunno if that was true or not. He definitely had concern on his face. And him following me around drew other people's attention. Way to not make a spectacle of myself! Rahul came over to me and told me we needed to finish by taking measurements, there was no point in leaving now, so I did even though it was hard for me to not cry at that point.
After the tailor she had to go back home so she said goodbye and we left. He apologized later for “yelling at me and being rude at the tailor” but in retrospect, I deserved it along with a bitch slap from Karuna (which she didn't do but I still deserve nonetheless). The problem of feeling like Karuna was overbearing about the outfit was kind of Rahul's fault. He had told her that I wanted to blend in as much as possible so she was pulling out all the stops. Since I wanted to wear a saree, he figured that was the case. Really, I wanted to be me in a saree which was my fault for not making clear from the beginning. There was a lack of communication between the two of us to her.
Once I was able to cool down, I apologized to Rahul for my actions. I don't think he listened to me too much. The good guy that he is, I think he's still convinced that he did something wrong. I have to figure out a way to make up my actions to Karuna. She really really didn't deserve nor should she had to have put up with my behavior.
I tried my hardest to figure out why it all went so wrong, and it's stupid and silly but at the same time is making me home sick.
In India, there are 10 people doing the equivalent of one person's job back in the US. Add to it the fact that I'm not India so I NEED help, it's too much “interference” psychologically. For the most part, while I've been here, I've figured things out for my self. I don't ride the rickshaws because what's the point of haggling if I can save the money and just walk? If it's too far to walk, then it's not worth seeing. Then there's the issue of being out alone at night vs the heat in the day, I'd rather avoid all problems all together. I seek out places which have price stickers so I can shop for myself without worrying about someone else making the shopping decisions for me or trying to charge me more than it's worth since I don't speak Hindi. I've been trying to lead an independent lifestyle in a country that values community and interdependency. It's me who has the problem that has to be corrected, not them. There's nothing wrong with community support, but I'm not used to it.
I wouldn't be so homesick if I could enjoy the place I'm at, problems and all. For the most part I have, but I fear that now that the homesickness has started, it will grow out of control. And quite honestly, it's a stupid reason to be homesick. I miss my family and friends but that's not reason I'm feeling homesick. I'm such a baby. So today, I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and trying this community thing again. This time, without the tears. Maybe I'll try to haggle a rickshaw ride from the market to home? It's a little late to try such things but it should be done sooner rather than later.
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